Parenting Attachment Styles: Understanding Bonding and Behavior

Vanessa is an Australian LDS lifestyle blogger. Landed in Salt Lake City, Utah, from the sun kissed beaches of Bondi, Australia, Vanessa is a wife and mother of three children.

The concept of parenting attachment styles is central to understanding how early bonds influence child development, emotional health, and future relationships. Rooted in attachment theory, this framework reveals how the quality of the bond between a primary caregiver and child can profoundly shape a child’s emotional well-being and relational patterns throughout life.

These insights align with LDS gospel teachings on love, patience, and nurturing a stable family environment as well as positive parenting methods. This article will explore the four main types of attachment styles, their impact on child and adult relationships, and ways to foster secure attachments in a faith-centered home.

“The initial relationship between self and others serves as a blueprint for all future relationships. A securely attached child is likely to develop a strong sense of self-worth, trust in others, and an ability to navigate the complexities of human relationships with confidence and resilience.”
– John Bowlby, Attachment and Loss (1988) (Dr. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory)

Understanding Attachment Theory and Its Impact on Development

Attachment theory was pioneered by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that early relationships with caregivers play a critical role in shaping an individual’s lifelong patterns of attachment and relationships.

Bowlby’s work, later expanded by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, identified that children’s early attachments form internal working models or mental frameworks that shape how they view themselves, others, and the world.

Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment, which observed infants’ responses to brief separations from their caregivers, led to the identification of four main attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.

The principles of attachment theory resonate with gospel teachings on the importance of parental love, consistency, and emotional support. The LDS faith emphasizes the family unit as foundational to personal growth and eternal progression, teaching that parents play a divine role in nurturing their children’s development. When gospel principles are followed, healthy attachment forms are developed between a child and their parent.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

“In family relationships, love is really spelled “TIME.” Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other.”

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Secure Attachment: Building a Safe Base of Trust and Confidence

A secure attachment style develops when a primary caregiver consistently meets the physical needs and emotional needs of a child, creating a “secure base” from which the child can explore the world.

In the Strange Situation experiment, children with secure attachment displayed distress upon separation but quickly calmed upon the caregiver’s return, showing a clear preference for their caregiver as a source of comfort. To find out if you are meeting your child’s emotional needs, you may want to check out our article Positive Parenting Meeting The Emotional Needs of a Child.

Impacts of Secure Attachment on Development

Children with a secure attachment style generally experience healthy relationships in both childhood and adulthood. They tend to form stable relationships, have positive self-esteem, and possess resilience in times of stress. As these children grow, they are better equipped to manage negative emotions and have a balanced approach to both independence and reliance on others.

Building secure attachments aligns with the doctrine of fostering Christlike love in the home. By providing love, emotional support, and security, parents are following the Savior’s example of care and compassion. A secure attachment mirrors the love that Heavenly Father has for His children, offering them a “safe base” of trust and confidence from which they can grow.

Avoidant Attachment Style: Developing Distance and Independence

Parenting Attachment Styles Avoidant Attachment

Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin, who expanded Baumrind’s work, describe uninvolved or neglective parenting as a style marked by low responsiveness and low demands:

“Uninvolved parents are detached from their child’s life. They do not set limits or discipline, and there is little warmth or nurturing.”
– Maccoby, E., & Martin, J. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. Handbook of child psychology.

An avoidant attachment style often forms when a caregiver is distant, emotionally unavailable, or dismissive of a child’s needs. These children learn to suppress attachment behavior and avoid seeking comfort from their caregiver, leading to a pattern of self-reliance. In Ainsworth’s studies, children with avoidant attachment style showed minimal distress upon separation and avoided the caregiver upon return.

Long-Term Effects of Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment can manifest in adulthood as avoidant attachment patterns, where individuals may have difficulty forming close relationships, experience low self-esteem, and struggle with negative feelings about dependency. Avoidant individuals may seem self-sufficient but may also have trouble connecting emotionally with romantic partners and others in close relationships.

Impact on Children

Research suggests that children of uninvolved parents are at greater risk for mental health issues, substance abuse, and poor academic and social outcomes due to a lack of guidance and emotional support.

Avoidant attachment can be addressed by reinforcing the doctrine that individuals are meant to rely on one another and build relationships centered on charity and unity.

LDS teachings emphasize the importance of connecting with family and loved ones, and LDS parents are encouraged to model open and empathetic communication, reminding children that seeking help is a strength rather than a weakness.

Anxious (Ambivalent) Attachment Style: Coping with Insecurity and Unpredictability

Parenting Attachment Styles Anxious Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style, also known as ambivalent attachment style, arises from inconsistent caregiving. When a child’s needs are met sporadically, they develop a heightened awareness of separation and may become excessively clingy or anxious.

In the Strange Situation experiment, these children displayed extreme distress upon separation and had difficulty calming down upon reunion.

Here’s an insightful quote on anxious (ambivalent) attachment style by Dr. Mary Ainsworth, who was instrumental in developing attachment theory alongside John Bowlby:

“Children with an ambivalent attachment pattern are likely to be very clingy, often excessively so, because they are uncertain about the caregiver’s availability and responsiveness. This insecurity breeds anxiety, and they remain preoccupied with the caregiver’s presence or absence.”
– Mary Ainsworth, Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation (1978)

Dr. Ainsworth’s work highlights that children with an anxious (ambivalent) attachment style often experience heightened dependency and fear of abandonment due to inconsistent caregiving. This pattern can lead to anxiety in relationships as they seek constant reassurance, reflecting the instability they felt in their early attachment experiences.

Impacts on Relationships and Mental Health

Anxious attachment in childhood often leads to adult attachment styles characterized by dependency, fear of abandonment, and low self-esteem. In romantic relationships, individuals with an anxious attachment may require frequent reassurance and struggle with feelings of insecurity.

In an LDS context, helping children with anxious attachment involves consistent routines and reassurance. Parents can help foster a feeling of safety by emphasizing the constancy of God’s love and encouraging children to find peace through prayer and faith. Teaching children to rely on gospel principles for comfort and stability can be an effective way to reduce anxiety and promote resilience.

Disorganized Attachment Style: The Impact of Fear and Uncertainty

Parenting Attachment Styles Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is typically the result of trauma, fear, or inconsistent behavior from the caregiver. Children with this attachment style often experience confusion, as they view their caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear. This attachment style can lead to severe relational challenges, as the child lacks a clear understanding of love and security.

Here’s a notable quote on disorganized attachment style from Dr. Mary Main, a psychologist who expanded attachment theory to include this attachment type:

“Children with disorganized attachment lack a coherent strategy for dealing with separation and reunion because their caregiver is a source of both comfort and fear. This internal conflict often leads to unpredictable or confused behavior in relationships.”

Mary Main, Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (1986).

Dr. Main’s research emphasizes that disorganized attachment arises when children experience inconsistent and frightening behavior from their caregivers, leading to confusion and a lack of a clear attachment strategy. This can manifest in unpredictable emotional responses and challenges in forming trusting relationships later in life.

Long-Term Effects of Disorganized Attachment Style

Disorganized attachment is linked to mental health challenges, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), reactive attachment disorder (RAD), and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). Children with disorganized attachment may struggle with trust and emotional regulation in future relationships.

For families dealing with disorganized attachment, faith-centered practices can provide stability and support. Creating a structured environment that includes family prayer, scripture study, and other gospel-centered routines can help children feel safe. Additionally, professional support, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can complement gospel-centered efforts to bring healing and promote a sense of security.

The Role of Parenting Style in Attachment Development

Parenting Attachment Styles For Happy Children

The parenting style used by caregivers plays a vital role in determining a child’s attachment style. Research indicates that well-meaning parents may inadvertently reinforce insecure attachments by being inconsistent or overly permissive. The LDS approach to parenting emphasizes kindness, firmness, and consistency, which aligns with creating secure relationships.

“Fathers and mothers, your foremost responsibility is your family. By working together you can have the kind of home the Lord expects you to have. By showing love and consideration for one another and for your children, you can build a reservoir of spiritual strength that will never run dry.”

Spencer W. Kimball

LDS families are taught to “love one another” and create homes centered on principles of faith, respect, and unity. Incorporating the teachings of prophets and leaders, such as nurturing children “in the love and admonition of the Lord,” promotes an environment conducive to secure attachments.

Attachment Styles and Romantic Relationships

Attachment styles significantly influence romantic relationships and adult partnerships. Adult attachment styles often reflect childhood experiences, impacting how individuals navigate closeness, dependency, and communication with romantic partners.

Securely attached adults tend to have stable relationships, healthy boundaries, and balanced emotional responses.
Avoidantly attached adults may struggle with intimacy and emotional closeness, often prioritizing independence.
Anxiously attached adults might need constant reassurance, fearing abandonment or rejection.
Disorganized attachment may lead to chaotic relationships characterized by trust issues and emotional turbulence.

For LDS couples, understanding each other’s attachment style can be instrumental in building a secure relationship rooted in mutual respect, open communication, and gospel-centered love.

Sarah & Toms Story

Sarah and Tom, a married couple in their early thirties, found themselves drifting apart despite their love for each other. They had frequent misunderstandings—Sarah often felt anxious and needed reassurance, while Tom, feeling overwhelmed, would sometimes pull back, leaving Sarah feeling even more insecure. The cycle left them both feeling frustrated and misunderstood.

One day, Sarah came across an article on attachment styles and shared it with Tom. They discovered that she had an anxious attachment style, always fearing she wasn’t enough and seeking closeness.

Tom, on the other hand, identified with an avoidant attachment style, feeling more comfortable with some distance and independence. Understanding this difference was a revelation; it helped them see that their behavior wasn’t about a lack of love but rather a difference in how they expressed and felt secure in it.

They decided to make small changes. Sarah practiced expressing her needs calmly, reminding herself that Tom’s independence wasn’t a rejection. Tom, in turn, made an effort to reassure Sarah more often, letting her know when he needed alone time and reassuring her that it wasn’t about her. They also began setting aside time each week for a “connection check-in,” where they shared feelings without judgment.

Slowly, their relationship transformed. With understanding, patience, and open communication, Sarah and Tom’s bond grew stronger, and they no longer saw each other as distant or needy. Instead, they saw each other as teammates who could offer each other a secure, loving partnership.

What attachment style are you?

Here’s a quiz to help you identify your attachment type. This quiz is based on common characteristics associated with attachment theory, which includes four primary attachment types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. As you answer each question, note your responses to better understand your primary attachment style.

Attachment Type Quiz

1. In relationships, how do you feel about intimacy and closeness?

A. I feel comfortable and enjoy it.
B. I want it but worry it won’t last or that I’ll be abandoned.
C. I feel uneasy and sometimes prefer distance.
D. I feel a mix of wanting closeness but also pushing people away.

2. When your partner or a loved one is upset with you, how do you react?

A. I try to understand and calmly resolve the issue.
B. I become anxious and worry that they’ll leave or reject me.
C. I might withdraw or avoid talking about it.
D. I feel confused, sometimes withdrawing and other times overreacting.

3. How do you feel when your partner or loved one needs space?

A. I respect their needs and use the time for myself too.
B. I feel anxious and worry that they’re pulling away from me.
C. I feel relieved to have my own space back.
D. I feel conflicted – I want them close but also push them away sometimes.

4. Do you find yourself questioning your partner’s or friends’ commitment to you?

A. No, I generally trust their commitment.
B. Yes, I often worry that they may leave or don’t care as much.
C. Rarely – I prefer independence and don’t worry much about their commitment.
D. Sometimes, I feel uncertain about their commitment and may act out.

5. When you experience conflict in relationships, what’s your typical approach?

A. I communicate openly and work through it together.
B. I become anxious and often try to smooth things over quickly.
C. I avoid conflict and may shut down emotionally.
D. I have difficulty managing my emotions, feeling a mix of anger and anxiety.

6. How do you feel about relying on others or having others rely on you?

A. I’m comfortable both giving and receiving support.
B. I like supporting others but worry about becoming too dependent.
C. I prefer to handle things on my own and dislike depending on others.
D. I feel conflicted – I want support but also push it away at times.

7. How would you describe your primary relationship goal?

A. To have a stable, balanced partnership where we support each other.
B. To feel loved and secure, and to know I’m valued.
C. To have my independence respected within the relationship.
D. To feel close, though it’s hard to maintain without conflict.

Results

Count the number of A, B, C, and D answers to find your attachment type.

Mostly A’s: Secure Attachment – You’re generally comfortable with intimacy, trust, and independence in relationships. You’re able to balance closeness with autonomy and handle conflicts calmly.

Mostly B’s: Anxious Attachment – You desire closeness but often worry about abandonment or rejection. You may feel insecure and tend to seek reassurance in relationships.

Mostly C’s: Avoidant Attachment – You value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much intimacy. You often prefer to rely on yourself and may withdraw during conflict.

Mostly D’s: Disorganized Attachment – You may experience a mix of wanting closeness but also feeling distrustful or fearful of it. You might find relationships confusing and struggle with emotional consistency.

This quiz offers a general idea of your attachment style, but remember that attachment types can be nuanced and evolve with time, therapy, and self-awareness. Exploring these patterns can help you better understand your relationship dynamics and work toward a secure attachment style if that’s your goal.

Creating Secure Attachments in LDS Families

For me, the old saying “The family that prays together stays together” could be expanded to “The family that prays together is together, even when they are far apart.”

Elder Henry B. Eyring

Providing Consistent Emotional Support and Structure

One of the best ways to foster secure attachments is through emotional support and a stable family environment. LDS teachings emphasize the importance of daily family routines, such as family scripture study and family prayer, which reinforce a child’s sense of security and provide them with a dependable safe space.

Building Bonds Through Physical and Emotional Presence

Physical closeness, such as skin contact and comforting gestures, helps young children feel connected and secure. Parents can build strong attachments by holding, cuddling, and spending quality time with their children.

Regular one-on-one time with each child reinforces the idea that they are valued and loved. Story time is when my children get 1:1 undivided attention from me each day. We pray, read scriptural stories, and discuss what happened in the story. Then it’s time for snuggles and lights out for bed.

Another good way to build those 1:1 relationships can be through date nights. These are less frequent than daily activities yet serve as a great experience for the child to get out and do something new while being the center of their parents attention. Mommy and Son or Daddy and Daughter date nights, girls nights or boys nights are all great opportunities for you to go out and spend quality time together.

Daddy Daughter Date Night Ideas

1. Ice Cream or Hot Chocolate Date

Head to a favorite ice cream shop or cozy café. Let her pick her favorite flavors or toppings and enjoy a sweet treat together. It’s simple but allows for quality conversation.

2. Craft Night

Set up a crafting area at home or attend a local pottery or art studio. You can make friendship bracelets, paint pottery, or work on a scrapbook together. This gives her a keepsake from the evening.

3. Mini Golf or Bowling

Classic and fun, mini golf or bowling is great for some laughs and friendly competition. Plus, it’s an activity that can be fun at any age, with just enough excitement and challenge.

4. DIY Photoshoot

Set up a mini photoshoot with props and fun outfits. You can dress up silly or even match your outfits for fun photos. Capture the memories and give her the photos to keep or display.

Mommy Son Date Night Ideas:

1. Pizza-Making Night

Set up a mini “pizzeria” at home and make personal pizzas together. Let him choose his favorite toppings, and enjoy the fun of creating something together.

2. Go-Kart Racing or Laser Tag

Head to a local go-kart track or laser tag arena for some high-energy fun. It’s exciting, competitive, and perfect for a night filled with laughs and cheering each other on.

3. DIY Science Experiment Night

Pick a couple of fun, safe science experiments, like making slime or a baking soda volcano. This is a hands-on, educational, and super fun way to spend time together!

4. Arcade or Game Night

Visit an arcade, or set up a game night at home with his favorite board games or video games. Compete in a friendly way, or team up for a collaborative game for double the fun.

Teaching Emotional Regulation and Empathy

Teaching children to express and manage their emotions constructively helps build resilience and empathy. Encouraging open discussions about feelings and modeling Christlike empathy teaches children to value relationships and manage negative emotions in a healthy way.

The Importance of Family Unity and Gospel Teachings

For LDS families, the ultimate goal is to establish a loving, eternal family. Teaching children about eternal family relationships and providing them with a sense of belonging contributes to their long-term emotional health. Emphasizing the eternal nature of families helps children understand that they are unconditionally loved, even during challenging times.

Supporting Positive Change in Attachment Patterns

Attachment styles can evolve over time, especially with intentional efforts and, when needed, professional guidance. Through therapy, support groups, and a strong commitment to positive change, individuals with insecure attachment styles can develop more secure, healthy relationship patterns.

Parents who wish to change insecure attachment patterns in their children can find support through resources such as Attachment Parenting International and LDS-focused family programs. By addressing insecure patterns early, parents can help their children build a foundation for secure, fulfilling relationships throughout life.

Conclusion: Strengthening Family Bonds Through Secure Attachments

Understanding parenting attachment styles is essential for LDS families seeking to raise children who are secure, emotionally resilient, and spiritually grounded. By integrating gospel principles with insights from attachment research, LDS parents can create a family environment that fosters secure relationships, healthy self-esteem, and strong, eternal bonds.

Ultimately, LDS teachings encourage parents to be present, consistent, and loving, helping children develop a secure sense of self and faith. By creating a “secure base” rooted in love and gospel-centered values, LDS parents can support their children’s growth and nurture attachments that reflect the Savior’s enduring love.

What attachment type are you? Pop it in the comments below.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment
Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar, M.C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation
Karen, R. (1994). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love