Understanding the problems with Gentle Parenting
Author: Vanessa Rooney
Vanessa is an Australian LDS lifestyle blogger. Landed in Salt Lake City, Utah, from the sun kissed beaches of Bondi, Australia, Vanessa is a wife and mother of three children.
Gentle parenting has gained immense popularity in recent years, largely influenced by social media and numerous parenting communities. This approach, which focuses on understanding a child’s feelings and fostering a close parent-child relationship, has been widely embraced by millennial parents looking for alternatives to traditional discipline.
However, there are significant challenges and limitations associated with gentle parenting techniques. In this post, we’ll explore the core problems with gentle parenting, discussing issues like boundary-setting, managing behavior problems, and handling the challenges that come up in real-world situations.
You may want to read about our positive parenting methods to learn more about appropriate parenting styles that are gentle, warm and loving while setting boundaries and discipline.
What Is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting is a form of authoritative parenting that emphasizes respect for a child’s emotions, open communication, and positive reinforcement rather than punitive measures. Popular advocates like Sarah Ockwell-Smith and social media influencers such as Big Little Feelings focus on meeting a child’s emotional needs, teaching empathy, and avoiding physical punishment or authoritarian control.
The term “gentle parenting” lacks a singular definition but generally involves techniques that prioritize the child’s perspective, aiming to foster emotional intelligence. This approach has benefits, such as building a strong bond between parent and child and encouraging positive behavior. However, implementing these strategies can be challenging, especially with young children who may still be learning how to manage their emotions.
Emmas Story
Emma had a curious, spirited three-year-old daughter named Lily. Lily was known for her boundless energy and her strong emotions, and she sometimes struggled to manage her feelings, especially when things didn’t go her way.
One day, at a family picnic, Lily spotted a colorful kite soaring high in the sky. She ran over, tugging on her mother’s hand, insisting that she wanted to fly it. Emma explained that the kite belonged to another family and that they would have to ask permission first. Disappointed and frustrated, Lily threw herself on the ground, kicking and screaming. Family members began to glance over, their faces showing a mix of judgment and concern.
Emma took a deep breath. She had read countless gentle parenting books and practiced strategies for moments like these, but the stares from others made her feel nervous. Despite this, she decided to approach Lily with empathy and calm. She knelt down beside her and said, “I know you’re feeling disappointed right now because you really wanted to fly that kite, and it’s hard to wait.”
At first, Lily didn’t respond, but Emma gently placed a hand on her back and waited until her cries softened. “When we’re calm, we can walk over together and ask to take a turn,” she suggested. Emma continued to reassure Lily, acknowledging her feelings without giving in to the behavior. Slowly, Lily began to relax, nodding as her tears dried up.
They approached the other family together, and Emma guided Lily through asking politely. The family was happy to share, and soon Lily was holding the string, beaming with pride as the kite danced in the air.
Later, as they packed up to leave, Emma’s sister approached her, curious. “It must be hard to stay so calm,” she admitted. “Why didn’t you just tell her to stop?”
Emma smiled, understanding the question. “It’s definitely hard sometimes,” she replied. “But I want Lily to know that her feelings are okay and that there’s a better way to express them. She’s still learning, and I want her to feel safe while she does.”
In the following days, Emma noticed that Lily seemed to respond better when she asked for things and had fewer tantrums. Over time, gentle parenting became more than a method—it strengthened their bond, creating a foundation of trust and understanding. Emma knew that even though it required patience, the journey was helping Lily learn self-control, empathy, and resilience—qualities that would stay with her for a lifetime.
Reflective Question
How does the gentle parenting approach differ from the ways you were raised by your own parents?
Problems with Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting advocates for calm responses, positive reinforcement, and open communication. While these ideals promote a strong parent-child bond, there are specific challenges associated with this parenting style.
Implementing gentle parenting often requires a high degree of patience, emotional regulation, and consistency, which can be hard to maintain in everyday situations, especially in more challenging or public settings.
Core Problems with Gentle Parenting Techniques
While gentle parenting has many positive aspects, there are several common problems that can arise when parents rely solely on this approach. Here are some of the primary challenges.
1. Lack of Clear Boundaries
One common problem with gentle parenting is that it sometimes leans toward permissive parenting, where boundaries are unclear or inconsistently enforced. Without clear boundaries, children may struggle to understand limits, leading to behavior problems. While gentle parenting advocates argue that boundaries can be set with empathy, some children need more direct guidance to understand appropriate behavior.
Example: Imagine a child who refuses to stop eating ice cream when it’s time to stop. A gentle parent might patiently explain why they need to stop, but some children may need a firmer boundary to understand the importance of following instructions.
2. Difficulty Managing Bad Behavior
Gentle parenting discourages physical punishment and focuses on understanding the root of a child’s emotions. However, this approach may not be effective for managing all types of behavior problems.
When children display aggression or other challenging behaviors, gentle techniques can sometimes fall short in curbing these actions. Parents who lack alternative strategies may feel unsure of how to respond effectively.
“While gentle parenting promotes empathy, not all children respond positively without structured consequences. For some, gentle approaches can lead to permissive parenting where the child feels in control rather than guided.” – Dr. Emily Oster, child psychologist.
3. Unrealistic Expectations in Real-World Situations
Another significant problem with gentle parenting is that it can set unrealistic expectations for parents. Real life is unpredictable, and it’s not always possible to remain calm and composed in every situation.
For example, family gatherings, school events, and public outings can be challenging for parents practicing gentle parenting, as they may struggle to manage their child’s behavior without creating a scene.
Reflective Question
How do you handle situations when gentle parenting techniques aren’t effective or practical?
4. Potential for Increased Stress in Parents
Gentle parenting can be emotionally demanding for parents, who may feel pressured to maintain a calm and patient demeanor even when they’re overwhelmed. The expectation of always being a “calm parent” can create feelings of guilt or inadequacy, especially if parents feel they haven’t used positive strategies. This can sometimes lead to burnout and impact parents’ mental health.
In LDS teachings, patience and compassion are emphasized, but so is the recognition of human limitations. President Thomas S. Monson once reminded parents, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” Gentle parenting requires self-compassion as much as compassion for children.
5. Challenges in Preparing Children for Real-World Social Situations
In the real world, children encounter rules, expectations, and consequences that require a certain level of discipline. Gentle parenting’s avoidance of punitive measures can sometimes leave children underprepared for environments where stricter boundaries exist, such as in school or structured social settings.
Without understanding logical consequences, children may struggle to follow rules or understand social expectations.
Example: A child raised with gentle parenting techniques may have difficulty adjusting to classroom rules and expectations if they are not accustomed to external discipline.
Reflective Question
How can gentle parenting techniques be adjusted to prepare children for the realities of social interactions outside the home?
Gentle Parenting vs. Permissive Parenting
Gentle parenting and permissive parenting are often confused, as both avoid physical punishment and prioritize a child’s feelings. However, there’s an essential difference: gentle parenting aims to set healthy boundaries, while permissive parenting typically lacks structure.
The Risks of Permissive Parenting
When boundaries are inconsistent or absent, children may feel insecure and act out, leading to negative behaviors. Research shows that children thrive in environments where they know what is expected, as this provides a sense of security and allows them to develop self-discipline.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Establish clear, consistent rules and use gentle redirection when necessary. Reinforce positive behavior with encouragement to help children understand the consequences of their actions in a constructive way. See our article on Meeting the emotional needs of your child for my structured daily routine for myself and my children.
Reflective Question
How do you balance empathy and structure to ensure your child feels secure without becoming permissive?
Common Misconceptions About Gentle Parenting
As gentle parenting has gained popularity through social media, several misconceptions have emerged. Here are a few common myths:
Myth 1: Gentle Parenting Means No Discipline
Gentle parenting does include discipline but emphasizes positive reinforcement and natural consequences over punishment. Discipline in gentle parenting is about teaching, not simply punishing.
Myth 2: Gentle Parenting Leads to Spoiled Children
While gentle parenting can sometimes result in permissive parenting if boundaries are not set, when applied correctly, it fosters empathy, patience, and a child’s understanding of their own needs.
Reflective Question
What misconceptions have you encountered about gentle parenting, and how have they impacted your approach?
The Benefits and Drawbacks of Gentle Parenting Techniques
Gentle parenting methods have both benefits and drawbacks, and understanding these can help parents implement this style effectively.
Benefits
- Stronger Parent-Child Bond: Gentle parenting focuses on empathy and emotional intelligence, strengthening the parent-child relationship.
- Encourages Emotional Development: By validating children’s feelings, parents help them learn to manage emotions healthily.
- Reduces Aggression: Studies indicate that children who experience positive discipline are less likely to exhibit aggression.
Drawbacks
- Inconsistent Discipline: Without boundaries, gentle parenting can lead to behavior problems.
- Strain on Parents: The high emotional demands of gentle parenting can lead to stress and burnout.
- Difficulty with Structured Environments: Children accustomed to gentle parenting may struggle in environments with strict rules and expectations.
Reflective Question
What are some benefits of gentle parenting that have worked well for you? Are there any drawbacks you’ve struggled with?
Implementing Gentle Parenting with Practical Adjustments
To avoid the problems with gentle parenting, consider blending this approach with practical adjustments, such as setting clear boundaries and preparing children for real-world challenges.
Tips for Success
Use Logical Consequences: If a child’s behavior disrupts an event, a natural consequence could be taking a break or stepping aside for a calm-down moment.
Practice Open Communication with Boundaries: Use short sentences to explain rules and why they matter. This teaches children to respect boundaries while understanding the reason behind them.
Build a Support System: Rely on the parenting community, family members, and mental health professionals when needed. Support can ease the pressure of being a “perfect” parent.
LDS Teachings on Compassionate and Balanced Parenting
LDS teachings encourage a compassionate, balanced approach to parenting. Principles such as patience, kindness, and love are emphasized, but so are discipline and guidance. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” highlights the importance of teaching children principles of faith, respect, and accountability.
Combining gentle parenting with these principles can help create a balanced approach, one that nurtures children’s emotional development while teaching them responsibility and respect for boundaries.
Conclusion
Gentle parenting offers valuable strategies for nurturing emotional intelligence and building a strong parent-child bond. However, it also presents challenges. Problems with gentle parenting, such as difficulty setting boundaries and managing behavior, can sometimes make it hard for children to adjust to real world experiences. Gentle parenting is a wonderful method to use while implementing several alternative parenting techniques such as the responsive parenting style.
Do you use a gentle parenting method? What benefits have you seen from this method? Let us know in the comments below.
References
Pezalla, A. E., & Davidson, A. J. (2024). “Trying to remain calm…but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLOS ONE, 19(7), e0307492.