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Scriptural Insights for Dealing with Toxic Parents

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Toxic Parenting

Family relationships are among the most meaningful yet complex aspects of our lives. For those dealing with toxic parents, navigating these relationships can feel like walking a tightrope. While honoring parents is a biblical commandment, managing toxic dynamics requires wisdom, boundaries, and reliance on God.

It is quite common for Christians to feel as though they just need to endure these relationships and continue to be nice although there are scriptures on toxic relationships that counter this school of thought.

Drawing from the Bible and the Book of Mormon, this article explores stories and principles for dealing with toxic parents and offers practical applications for modern life.

Honoring Parents Without Enabling Toxicity

The fifth commandment, “Honor thy father and thy mother” (Exodus 20:12), emphasizes respect and gratitude for parents. However, honoring does not mean accepting abusive or toxic behavior.

Jesus Himself demonstrated that honoring God’s will takes precedence over pleasing earthly parents. In Matthew 12:46-50, when Jesus’ family sought to interrupt His teaching, He redefined family as those who do God’s will.

Honoring parents means respecting their role in your life, but it does not mean tolerating behavior that goes against God’s principles or harms your well-being.

Rachel grew up with a mother who was verbally critical and dismissive of her faith. “It was hard to reconcile honoring her with setting boundaries,” Rachel shared. “Through prayer and scripture study, I realized that I could honor her by praying for her and maintaining respect, but I didn’t have to allow her negativity to define my life.”

Biblical Examples of Family Conflict

1. Joseph and His Brothers

The story of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) highlights toxic family dynamics, including jealousy, betrayal, and favoritism. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery out of envy. Despite this, Joseph forgave them and recognized God’s hand in his trials:

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20).

Application:

  • Forgiveness does not excuse toxic behavior but releases you from its control.
  • Trust that God can use even painful family dynamics for His purposes.

2. David and Saul

Though not his biological father, King Saul was a father figure to David. Saul’s jealousy led him to pursue David with murderous intent. Despite Saul’s toxicity, David chose not to retaliate, instead trusting God’s justice (1 Samuel 24:12).

May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. – 1 Samuel 24:12

Application:

  • Refuse to repay evil with evil, even when provoked.
  • Set clear boundaries of what type of behavior you will and will not accept.
  • Trust God to handle justice in His time.

Insights from the Book of Mormon

1. Lehi and Laman and Lemuel

Lehi’s relationship with his sons Laman and Lemuel demonstrates the challenges of dealing with rebellious family members. Despite their persistent murmuring and opposition, Lehi consistently testified of truth and expressed his love for them (2 Nephi 1:14-18).

Application:

  • Speak truth with love, even when it’s not well received.
  • Recognize that you are not responsible for another’s choices.

2. Alma the Younger and Alma the Elder

Alma the Younger’s rebelliousness caused deep sorrow for his father, Alma the Elder. Instead of giving up, Alma prayed fervently for his son, and those prayers were answered when an angel appeared to Alma the Younger, leading to his repentance (Mosiah 27:14).

Application:

  • Never underestimate the power of prayer for a toxic or wayward parent or child.
  • Just because your prayer hasn’t been answered yet, it does not mean that it won’t be answered. Trust in God’s timing.
  • Trust God’s ability to change hearts in His timing.

Megan shared, “My mom and I had a strained relationship for years. After reading Alma’s story, I started praying for her daily. Over time, her heart softened, and our relationship has begun to heal.”

Principles for Navigating Toxic Parents

1. Set Healthy Boundaries

Jesus often withdrew from crowds to pray and recharge (Luke 5:16). Similarly, setting boundaries with toxic parents is essential for maintaining emotional and spiritual health. Boundaries are not about punishment but about protecting your well-being.

Limiting Negative Conversations

  • Scenario: A parent constantly criticizes you or others during conversations.
  • Boundary: Politely steer the conversation or set a limit.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I value our conversations, but I feel hurt when criticism becomes the focus. If we can’t shift to a positive topic, I may need to take a break from this call.”
    • Follow-Through: If the parent continues, politely end the interaction and revisit the conversation later when tensions have cooled.

Creating Physical Space

  • Scenario: A toxic parent frequently shows up uninvited or insists on invading your personal space.
  • Boundary: Set clear rules about visits and physical boundaries.
    • Example Statement:
      • “We love seeing you, but we need some advance notice before visits. Let’s plan a time that works for both of us.”
    • Follow-Through: Enforce this rule by not answering the door or turning away unexpected visits until the new standard is respected.

Declining Unreasonable Requests

  • Scenario: A parent repeatedly asks for help in ways that drain your time, resources, or emotional energy.
  • Boundary: Politely but firmly say no without guilt.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I understand this is important to you, but I am unable to help right now. Have you considered other options?”
      • “I can’t do this for you, but I can help by offering advice or resources to get started.”
    • Follow-Through: Resist the pressure to overexplain or give in if they persist.

Protecting Your Emotional Well-Being

  • Scenario: A parent uses guilt, manipulation, or emotional outbursts to control you.
  • Boundary: Refuse to engage in manipulative tactics and keep interactions respectful.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I love you and want to have a healthy relationship. When you use guilt to pressure me, it makes me feel disrespected. I’m happy to talk when we can have a constructive conversation.”
    • Follow-Through: Walk away or end the conversation if the behavior continues.

Limiting Contact for Self-Care

  • Scenario: Interactions with a parent leave you feeling drained, anxious, or hurt.
  • Boundary: Limit the frequency or duration of interactions.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I’m focusing on my well-being right now and need some space. Let’s plan to catch up once a week instead of every day.”
    • Follow-Through: Stick to the agreed frequency and redirect attempts to increase contact.

Refusing to Share Personal Information

  • Scenario: A parent pries into your personal life or decisions, making you feel judged.
  • Boundary: Keep personal matters private and share only what feels comfortable.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not ready to discuss this right now.”
      • “That’s something I’d prefer to keep private, but thank you for understanding.”
    • Follow-Through: Change the subject or reinforce your stance if they persist.

Defining Respectful Communication

  • Scenario: A parent yells, curses, or uses derogatory language during disagreements.
  • Boundary: Set clear expectations for respectful communication.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I’m happy to discuss this with you, but I won’t stay in the conversation if yelling or insults continue. Let’s revisit this when we can talk calmly.”
    • Follow-Through: Leave the room or end the call if the behavior doesn’t change.

Protecting Your Parenting Choices

  • Scenario: A parent undermines or criticizes how you raise your own children.
  • Boundary: Make it clear that you are the decision-maker for your family.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I know you care about the kids, but these decisions are ours to make as their parents. I appreciate your input, but we need you to respect our choices.”
    • Follow-Through: Redirect attempts to undermine your authority and stand firm in your decisions.

Saying No to Financial Dependence or Demands

  • Scenario: A parent relies on you for financial support in a way that feels excessive or burdensome.
  • Boundary: Set limits on financial assistance.
    • Example Statement:
      • “I’m happy to help when I can, but I can’t continue to provide financial support on this scale. Let’s discuss other ways to address your needs.”
    • Follow-Through: Stick to your boundaries even if they push back or guilt you.

Addressing Toxic Behaviors in Family Gatherings

  • Scenario: A parent uses toxic behavior disrupts family events or gatherings.
  • Boundary: Address the behavior privately and set expectations for future interactions.
    • Example Statement:
      • “We want family gatherings to be enjoyable for everyone. When certain behaviors occur, it creates tension. Can we agree to keep things positive?”
    • Follow-Through: Be prepared to leave or disinvite them from future events if the behavior persists.

2. Seek God’s Guidance

James 1:5 reminds us to ask God for wisdom when we face challenging situations. Dealing with toxic parents requires discernment to know when to engage, when to step back, and how to respond.

Practical Tip: Spend time in prayer and scripture study, asking for God’s guidance in navigating your relationship.

3. Surround Yourself with Support

Galatians 6:2 encourages believers to “carry each other’s burdens.” Lean on trusted friends, church leaders, or a counselor for support as you navigate difficult family dynamics. If your parents have been toxic for your entire childhood and adulthood you will more than likely need counseling to help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Practical Tip: Join a support group or seek a mentor who understands your struggles and can offer Christ-centered advice.

Encouragement for the Journey

Dealing with toxic parents is never easy, but you don’t have to face it alone. God’s Word provides wisdom, comfort, and hope. By leaning on His strength, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing forgiveness, you can navigate these relationships in a way that honors both God and yourself.

John shared, “My dad’s anger used to dominate our family. I struggled for years until I realized that my role wasn’t to fix him but to love him while protecting my own peace. Through prayer and counseling, I’ve found a way to honor him without letting his anger control me.”

Conclusion

The Bible and Book of Mormon are rich with examples and principles for dealing with toxic parents. From Joseph’s forgiveness to Alma’s prayers, these stories remind us that God’s grace is sufficient for even the most challenging relationships. By applying these scriptural insights, we can navigate family dynamics with wisdom, compassion, and faith, trusting that God will bring healing and growth in His perfect timing.

You may want to check out the rest of the articles in our toxic parenting series:

My God Bless You,

Vanessa Rooney – LDS Mum

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