Negative Parenting Styles and Their Effects: Raising Resilient, Faith-Filled Children

Author: Vanessa Rooney

Vanessa is an Australian LDS lifestyle blogger. Landed in Salt Lake City,  Utah, from the sun kissed beaches of Bondi, Australia, Vanessa is a wife and mother of three children.

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Negative parenting styles, such as authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful approaches, have a profound impact on children’s development, affecting everything from self-esteem to emotional support and mental health.

Each parenting style can influence a child’s academic success, emotional well-being, and overall happiness. Reflecting on these styles helps us identify the harm they may cause and find ways to create healthier, supportive environments. 

What Are Negative Parenting Styles?

Negative parenting styles generally fall into three categories—authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful parenting. Each of these styles has specific characteristics that can lead to harmful effects on children.

Authoritarian Parenting: The Power of Strict Rules and High Expectations

Authoritarian parenting is characterized by strict rules, high expectations, and low emotional support. Authoritative parents who practice this style often value obedience over the emotional connection with their children, creating a dynamic where children feel pressured to meet high expectations at the cost of their own self-esteem and happiness. 

Examples of Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting is a highly structured approach characterized by strict rules, high expectations, and limited emotional warmth. In this style, parents prioritize obedience and discipline over open communication and may enforce rules without providing explanations. While this approach can sometimes yield short-term compliance, it often lacks the warmth and empathy that foster a secure, trusting parent-child relationship.

1. Strict Bedtime Without Flexibility

Example: A 10-year-old child, Mia, has a set bedtime at 8 p.m. even on weekends. One evening, she asks if she can stay up an extra hour to finish her art project, but her father responds with, “Bedtime is 8 o’clock, no exceptions.” He doesn’t acknowledge her interest in the project or explain his reasoning, simply expecting her to obey without question.

2. High Academic Expectations and Harsh Consequences

Example: Jason, a high school student, brings home a B on his math test. His mother, who expects nothing less than an A, immediately scolds him for the grade and imposes extra study hours without discussing what may have contributed to his struggles. She states, “I don’t want to see anything less than an A on your next test,” dismissing any discussion about his challenges.

3. No Room for Negotiation or Input from the Child

Example: Sarah, an 8-year-old, expresses her desire to play soccer after school, but her parents have already decided she will take piano lessons instead. When she protests, they shut her down with, “We know what’s best for you. You don’t get to decide.” They enforce their decision without allowing Sarah to share her interests or feelings.

4. Using Fear or Threats to Enforce Discipline

Example: A father tells his 6-year-old son, “If you don’t clean your room right now, you’ll be grounded for a month!” He gives no explanation of why cleaning his room is important, relying on threats and fear to ensure obedience rather than using it as an opportunity to teach responsibility.

5. Focus on Obedience Over Emotional Support

Example: Emma, a 12-year-old, comes home visibly upset after a challenging day at school. Her mother immediately asks if her homework is done without addressing her feelings. When Emma tries to talk about her day, her mother dismisses her emotions and replies, “You need to toughen up and get over it. Do your homework first.”

6. Limited Positive Reinforcement and High Criticism

Example: Ben, a 7-year-old, works hard on a school project and proudly shows it to his father. Instead of praising Ben’s effort, his father criticizes the work by saying, “You could have done better than this. Next time, make sure it’s perfect.” This lack of positive reinforcement can lead Ben to feel his efforts are never good enough.

7. Relying on Rules Without Explanation

Example: A mother sets a rule that her teenage daughter, Lily, is not allowed to go out with friends on school nights. When Lily asks why, her mother simply replies, “Because I said so.” She enforces the rule without explaining her reasoning or engaging in a conversation, which leaves Lily feeling unheard and unvalued.

In each of these examples, the authoritarian parent emphasizes rules, obedience, and discipline without considering the child’s emotional needs or providing context for the rules. This approach often results in compliance but can hinder a child’s ability to express themselves, ask questions, or feel emotionally supported, potentially leading to issues with self-esteem, independence, and trust in the parent-child relationship.

Reflection

• Do you think high expectations and strict rules are necessary to instill discipline, or can they be balanced with empathy?
• How could high expectations from parents, without adequate emotional support, contribute to a child’s stress levels and mental health?
• How can unresolved conflicts from negative parenting styles affect the parent-child relationship as the child grows into an adult?
• In what ways could strict or authoritarian parenting styles limit a child’s self-confidence and personal growth?

Permissive Parenting: Lack of Structure and Its Consequences

Permissive parents tend to have a more relaxed approach, often avoiding strict rules, boundaries, or expectations. This lack of structure can hinder a child’s ability to develop essential problem-solving skills and may contribute to negative coping styles and risky behavior.

Example of Permissive Parenting in Action

Let’s consider a parent, Amy, with an 8-year-old daughter, Ella, who has a bedtime at 8:30 p.m. Here’s how Amy approaches the situation permissively:

1. Flexible Boundaries

Amy initially asks Ella to start getting ready for bed around 8:30 p.m. but doesn’t enforce it when Ella wants to keep watching her favorite TV show. “If you’re not ready for bed yet, that’s okay; you can finish your show,” she says.

2. Leniency with Rules

Ella asks for a snack before bed, and even though Amy knows it might disrupt Ella’s sleep, she allows it, saying, “Sure, go ahead and grab something if you’re hungry.”

3. Avoidance of Discipline 

When Ella argues about brushing her teeth, Amy sighs and lets it slide. She might say, “It’s fine if you skip tonight. Just make sure you brush in the morning.”

4. Prioritizing Child’s Preferences 

When it’s finally time for bed, Ella asks to stay up even later. Rather than insisting on the set bedtime, Amy responds, “Alright, but only a few more minutes,” and lets Ella decide when she feels ready to go to sleep.

In this scenario, Amy is warm and responsive, prioritizing Ella’s preferences and avoiding confrontation or enforcement of routines. While Ella feels free and unpressured, the lack of structure can lead to confusion about limits, making it challenging for her to learn self-discipline and the importance of routines.

Reflection

• In what ways might a lack of boundaries affect a child’s perception of right and wrong?
• How does an absence of boundaries (as seen in permissive parenting) impact a child’s understanding of responsibility and self-discipline?

Neglectful Parenting: The Absence of Parental Support

Neglectful parenting, also known as uninvolved parenting, is one of the most damaging styles. It is characterized by a lack of responsiveness, emotional support, and structure. Parents who practice this style often provide for their child’s basic needs (such as food and shelter) but are generally uninvolved in other aspects of their child’s life.

Neglectful parenting can stem from various factors, including a lack of parenting skills, high levels of stress, or unresolved personal issues, and it can have serious consequences on a child’s emotional, social, and cognitive development.

Examples of Neglectful Parenting

1. Minimal Interaction or Communication

Example: James, a 12-year-old, comes home from school excited to share that he made the basketball team. However, his mother, busy with her own work and personal interests, barely acknowledges him or his news. She doesn’t ask any follow-up questions, show interest, or offer any praise, leaving James feeling overlooked and unsupported.

2. Ignoring Emotional Needs

Example: Sarah, a 9-year-old, is upset and crying after a fight with her best friend. Her father notices her distress but doesn’t ask what’s wrong or offer comfort, assuming she’ll “get over it” on her own. This lack of emotional support can lead Sarah to feel isolated and may cause her to struggle with managing her emotions as she grows up.

3. Inconsistent or Absent Routines

Example: Tim, a 7-year-old, has no consistent bedtime or routine for school nights. His parents are often out late, and he is left to fend for himself, deciding when to eat dinner or go to bed. The lack of structure affects Tim’s sleep and school performance, as he doesn’t have a supportive framework to follow.

4. Failing to Supervise or Set Boundaries

Example: 14-year-old Emily has few boundaries or rules at home. Her parents rarely monitor her activities or check on her whereabouts, allowing her to stay out as late as she wants without knowing who she’s with or what she’s doing. This lack of supervision puts Emily at higher risk for engaging in risky behaviors and developing trust issues, as she hasn’t learned appropriate boundaries.

5. Lack of Involvement in Education and Activities

Example: Marcus, a 10-year-old, struggles with his homework and often falls behind in class. His parents, however, rarely attend parent-teacher meetings, help with his schoolwork, or encourage his academic efforts. As a result, Marcus feels unsupported and develops low self-esteem, perceiving that his parents don’t care about his achievements or his struggles.

6. Failure to Address Health and Hygiene Needs

Example: Jenny, a 6-year-old, is often sent to school in dirty clothes and without lunch because her parents don’t keep up with her hygiene needs or daily meals. Her peers notice, and she becomes self-conscious, affecting her social development and self-esteem.

In each of these examples, neglectful parenting leads to a lack of emotional connection, structure, and support, which can significantly impact the child’s development, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships. The long-term effects can include trust issues, emotional insecurity, and difficulty forming stable relationships later in life.

The Impact of Negative Parenting Styles on Child Development

Emotional and Psychological Development

Negative parenting styles have a significant impact on a child’s emotional intelligence, psychological health, and sense of self-worth. Emotional neglect and lack of parental psychological control can lead to depressive symptoms and mental health issues in children.

LDS Insight: The teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints emphasize the importance of love, kindness, and patience in parenting, drawing on the teachings of Jesus Christ as a model for building healthy, nurturing relationships with children.

Reflection

• How can we, as parents, better follow the Savior’s example in our approach to discipline and structure?
• How might a child interpret their own worth if they receive inconsistent support, attention, and discipline from their parents?
• What are the potential long-term impacts on mental health for children who grow up with permissive or uninvolved parents?
• How does the experience of physical or emotional neglect impact a child’s emotional intelligence and their ability to process feelings healthily?

Behavioral Problems and Social Development

Behavioral problems, such as aggression and social withdrawal, are often associated with authoritarian and neglectful parenting styles. Studies have shown that children with uninvolved or authoritarian parents may exhibit negative behaviors, as they lack the emotional support needed for healthy social interactions.

“The impact of authoritarian and neglectful styles on social development is profound, often resulting in lower friendship quality and negative coping mechanisms.” — D. Brandt.

Academic Achievement and Motivation

Children raised under authoritarian or neglectful parenting styles often struggle academically. In cases where parental expectations are too high without corresponding emotional support, children may lack motivation, feel overwhelmed, or even develop a fear of failure.

LDS Insight: The LDS doctrine encourages parents to provide a balance of discipline and love. Parental expectations should be aligned with the child’s unique abilities and needs, fostering a supportive environment for academic and personal growth.

Reflection 

• How can parents encourage academic success without creating stress or fear in their children?

Understanding Different Parenting Styles and Their Effects

Authoritative vs. Authoritarian: Finding the Balance

While authoritarian parenting focuses on strict rules and obedience, authoritative parenting combines structure with emotional support, making it a positive parenting style that promotes a child’s well-being.

Comparison Chart: Authoritative vs. Authoritarian Parenting

The below chart highlights the key differences between positive parenting method authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles:

This chart shows that while both authoritative and authoritarian parenting emphasize rules and discipline, authoritative parenting combines these elements with empathy, respect, and emotional warmth, fostering a healthier, more supportive environment for children’s growth and development.

Shifting Authoritarian to AuthoritativeParenting

Here are some examples of respectful authoritative parenting that explains why we have rules so that the child can understand why things need to be done the way the parent or caregiver has instructed.

Respectful authoritative parenting combines warmth, empathy, and structure, focusing on setting clear rules and expectations while being responsive to a child’s emotional needs. Unlike authoritarian parents who enforce strict rules without explanation, authoritative parents explain the reasons behind the rules and encourage open communication.

This style promotes a balance between discipline and compassion, helping children feel valued and understood.

Example of Authoritative Parenting in Action

Imagine a parent, Sarah, with a 10-year-old son, Liam, who needs to finish his homework before he can play video games. Here’s how Sarah approaches this scenario in an authoritative manner:

1. Clear Expectations and Explanation

Sarah tells Liam, “I know you really want to play your game, but let’s get your homework done first. Schoolwork is important, and finishing it early gives you more time to relax afterward.”

2. Flexibility and Understanding

Liam explains that he’s feeling tired and needs a short break. Instead of enforcing the rule rigidly, Sarah listens and negotiates: “How about a 15-minute break to recharge, and then we can tackle the homework together?”

3. Encouraging Responsibility

Sarah sits with Liam as he starts his homework, offering guidance but letting him solve problems independently. She praises his effort and focus: “You’re doing great sticking with it even when it’s tough.”

4. Respectful Communication 

When Liam finishes his work, Sarah acknowledges his accomplishment and reinforces the positive behavior: “See? You put in the effort, and now you can enjoy your game. I’m proud of how responsible you are.”

Through this approach, Sarah models mutual respect, patience, and clear communication. She sets boundaries but allows room for Liam’s voice, which builds his sense of responsibility and independence while reinforcing their strong parent-child relationship.

Permissive Parenting vs. Structure-Oriented Approaches

Permissive parenting lacks boundaries, which can result in children struggling with self-discipline and impulse control. In contrast, authoritative parenting offers a structured environment while also respecting the child’s emotional needs.

Comparison Chart

Here’s a comparison chart highlighting the differences between permissive and authoritative parenting styles:

This chart illustrates that while permissive parenting provides high emotional support, it often lacks the structure that children need to develop responsibility and self-discipline. In contrast, authoritative parenting combines warmth with clear boundaries, supporting both the emotional and developmental needs of the child.

Psychological and Behavioral Consequences of Negative Parenting Styles

Negative parenting styles can have far-reaching effects on a child’s mental health, behavior, and emotional development.

Increased Risk of Mental Health Issues

Children exposed to neglectful or authoritarian styles are at a higher risk of developing depressive symptoms and other mental health issues, due to a lack of emotional support and parental connection.

The Link Between Parental Control and Behavioral Issues

Excessive parental control and harsh punishments can lead to behavior problems, including defiance and aggression, as children may feel restricted or unvalued.

Long-Term Effects of Negative Parenting on Adult Life

The effects of negative parenting can extend into adulthood, impacting relationships, self-esteem, and career success. Children raised with negative parenting styles often struggle with trust, independence, and emotional intelligence.

Reflection

• What steps can be taken to heal from the effects of negative parenting in adulthood?
• How does the experience of physical or emotional neglect impact a child’s emotional intelligence and their ability to process feelings healthily?
• How might a child who experiences harsh, authoritarian parenting develop negative coping mechanisms, and how could this affect their resilience in adulthood?
• What challenges might a young adult face in forming healthy friendships and intimate relationships after experiencing neglect or inconsistency in their parent-child relationship?

LDS Perspective on Positive Parenting and Nurturing Healthy Relationships

The LDS Church encourages parents to nurture their children with love and respect, which is a large portion of positive parenting. By following Christ’s teachings, LDS parents can create a home where discipline is balanced with compassion, offering children a stable foundation for growth.

“Every individual in the world is a child of a mother and a father. Neither can ever escape the consequences of their parenthood.” – Gordon Hinckley. 

How to Transition from Negative to Positive Parenting Styles

Building Mutual Respect and Emotional Intelligence

Mutual respect between parents and children is key to transitioning from a negative to a positive parenting style. Developing emotional intelligence in both parents and children fosters a healthy relationship dynamic and a foundation for a strong, trusting relationship.

This approach fosters open communication, empathy, and understanding, helping both the parent and child navigate challenges and form a meaningful bond. Here’s how to cultivate these qualities:

1. Building Mutual Respect

Mutual respect involves valuing each other’s perspectives, boundaries, and individuality. Here are ways to develop mutual respect with your child:

Model Respectful Behavior 

Children learn by observing. Show respect in your interactions with others, including how you communicate, listen, and resolve conflicts. Treat your child with the same courtesy you’d want them to show you, such as by saying “please” and “thank you.”

Listen Actively

Give your child your full attention when they’re speaking. This shows them their thoughts and feelings matter to you. Make eye contact, avoid interrupting, and repeat back what they say to show you’re listening and to clarify understanding.

Validate Their Feelings

Acknowledge your child’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with their perspective. For example, say, “I understand that you’re upset because you wanted to stay longer at your friend’s house.” Validating their emotions builds trust and shows that you respect their experiences.

Set Boundaries and Explain Why

Clear, consistent boundaries are important, but children are more likely to respect them if they understand why they exist. For instance, explain, “We need to have a bedtime so that you’re rested for school tomorrow.” Respect their needs by giving reasonable choices within those boundaries.

Encourage Responsibility 

Trust your child with age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities. For example, allow them to make simple decisions, like choosing between two outfits or deciding on a family activity. This empowers them to feel capable and respected as part of the family.

Acknowledge Mistakes Openly 

Show humility by acknowledging your own mistakes when they happen. Apologize when necessary, saying, “I’m sorry for raising my voice. I’ll try to be calmer next time.” This teaches children accountability and demonstrates respect for honesty and self-improvement.

2. Cultivating Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence helps children (and parents) understand and manage their own emotions while recognizing and respecting the feelings of others. Here’s how to build it:

Teach Emotional Vocabulary 

Help children put their feelings into words by teaching them an emotional vocabulary. For example, “I see that you’re frustrated because the game didn’t go as you wanted.” This helps them recognize their emotions and gives them tools to express themselves better.

Practice Empathy 

Show empathy by putting yourself in your child’s shoes and acknowledging their perspective. For instance, say, “I understand that you’re disappointed about missing the playdate.” Empathizing with their feelings teaches them to consider others’ emotions and helps them feel understood.

Encourage Emotion Management Techniques

Teach children healthy ways to manage emotions, such as taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or taking a short break. Model these strategies yourself during moments of frustration or stress, reinforcing their effectiveness.

Encourage Self-Reflection

After emotional events, gently ask your child to reflect on what happened. You might ask, “How did you feel when that happened?” or “What do you think might help next time?” This helps them develop self-awareness and learn from experiences.

Discuss Feelings Openly

Create a safe environment where feelings can be expressed without fear of judgment or punishment. For example, during family discussions, encourage everyone to share highs and lows of the day. This openness normalizes emotional expression and reinforces that emotions are a healthy part of life.

Use Stories and Examples 

Books and stories are powerful tools for teaching emotional intelligence. Read books together that explore emotions, relationships, and empathy, discussing the characters’ feelings and how they handle challenges.

Encourage Problem-Solving for Emotional Challenges

When children feel strong emotions, guide them in thinking through potential responses. For example, ask, “What could you do to feel better when you’re sad?” This approach helps them take ownership of their emotions and teaches proactive coping strategies.

Celebrate Emotional Growth 

Acknowledge moments when your child shows emotional intelligence, such as resolving a conflict with a sibling or expressing empathy toward a friend. Say something like, “I’m proud of how you understood your friend’s feelings. That shows you’re becoming more understanding.”

Reflective Questions to Encourage Emotional Growth and Respect

1. For the Parent to Ask Themselves:

• “Am I listening as much as I expect my child to listen to me?”
• “How can I model the respect and empathy I want my child to learn?”
• “Am I allowing my child to express themselves openly and without judgment?”

2. For the Parent to Ask the Child:

•  “How did you feel about what happened, and why?”
• “What do you think we could do differently next time to make things smoother?”
• “How would you feel if someone treated you the way we treat each other?”

Building mutual respect and emotional intelligence takes time, but with consistency, patience, and openness, parents and children can develop a strong foundation of trust, empathy, and understanding, enhancing their relationship and preparing children to build positive relationships throughout life.

Setting Realistic Expectations and Encouraging Problem-Solving Skills

Parents can help their children develop resilience by setting realistic expectations and encouraging them to face challenges with problem-solving skills rather than fear of punishment. Setting realistic expectations and encouraging problem-solving skills in children are essential for fostering independence, resilience, and a positive self-image. Here are practical strategies for both:

1. Setting Realistic Expectations

Realistic expectations help children feel capable and motivated without being overwhelmed by pressure. Here’s how to set achievable goals:

Consider Age and Developmental Stage:

Tailor expectations to the child’s age and abilities. Younger children might be expected to complete simple tasks (like putting away toys), while older children can handle more complex responsibilities, such as completing homework independently.

Break Down Large Goals

If a goal is challenging, break it down into smaller steps. For example, instead of expecting a child to clean their whole room in one go, start with one area, like picking up clothes, then moving to books, etc.

Focus on Effort Over Outcome

Praise the child’s effort rather than just the results. For instance, say, “I saw how much effort you put into that project, and I’m proud of you,” instead of only focusing on the grade.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Reinforce positive behaviors with praise, small rewards, or privileges when children meet expectations. This builds confidence and encourages them to keep trying.

Set Examples 

Model realistic expectations in your own life. Show children that it’s okay to set manageable goals, work towards them, and learn from setbacks.

Encourage Self-Reflection

Involve children in setting their own goals by asking questions like, “What do you think you can accomplish today?” This helps them understand their strengths and limitations and encourages a sense of responsibility.

Teach Flexibility

Be open to adjusting expectations based on circumstances. Let children know that it’s okay to re-evaluate goals if needed, teaching them to be flexible and resilient.

2. Encouraging Problem-Solving Skills

Problem-solving skills help children tackle challenges with confidence and creativity. Here’s how to encourage them:

Model Problem-Solving Steps

Demonstrate a step-by-step approach. For example, break down a problem by saying, “Let’s look at what’s happening, think about possible solutions, and then decide on one to try.”

Ask Open-Ended Questions 

Encourage children to think by asking questions like, “What do you think you can do to solve this?” or “How could you approach this differently?” This lets them explore options without direct answers.

Teach Brainstorming 

Help children generate multiple solutions by brainstorming together. If they’re facing a challenge, ask them to think of three possible solutions. This expands their thinking and encourages creativity.

Encourage Small Risks and Learning from Mistakes

Let children try out solutions on their own, even if there’s a risk of failure. If a solution doesn’t work, discuss what they learned and how they might approach it differently next time.

Role-Playing Scenarios

Use hypothetical scenarios to practice problem-solving. For example, “What would you do if a friend didn’t share?” or “How would you handle it if you couldn’t find your homework?” This prepares them for real-life situations.

Celebrate Problem-Solving Efforts 

Acknowledge when children solve a problem on their own, whether big or small. Reinforce their efforts by saying, “I’m proud of how you handled that,” to encourage them to keep building these skills.

Promote Patience and Perseverance

Teach children that not all problems can be solved instantly. Encourage them to take their time, reflect on possible solutions, and try again if their first approach doesn’t work.

Encourage Teamwork and Collaboration

In group settings, encourage children to work with others to solve problems. This can help them see the value in sharing ideas, listening, and working together.

Reflective Questions to Ask Children

• “What do you think would happen if you tried this solution?”
• “What did you learn from trying this approach?”
• “How could you do it differently next time?”
• “What was the most challenging part, and how did you overcome it?”

These strategies help children set attainable goals and develop the confidence to tackle challenges on their own, building a strong foundation for self-sufficiency and resilience as they grow.

Conclusion: Embracing Positive Parenting Styles for a Healthier Future

Negative parenting styles can have detrimental effects on a child’s development, but with self-awareness, reflection, and guidance, parents can shift toward more supportive and positive methods.

By fostering a home filled with empathy, respect, and love, parents can lay the foundation for their children’s future happiness, success, and well-being.

What parenting style are you? Let us know in the comments below!

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